It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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