Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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