listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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