Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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