I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
