i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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