Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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