I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
