So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
