The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
