If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
