Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize