fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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