she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
