There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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