my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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