I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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