i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
