kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
