May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
