I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
