it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
