this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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