i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the liver wants what the liver wants
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
