she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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