Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
