No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
