I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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