I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
