last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
