According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
