So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
