End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The adults are the big ones right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
