its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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