I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize