God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
