whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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