i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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