I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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