party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
