I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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