I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just invented taco cereal.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
