Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
