You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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