That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
