Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
