I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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