upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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