There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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