Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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