God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
