You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
