if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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