I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If its not for food we ain't going out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
