I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
