i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
