I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize