just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
