Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
