When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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