Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
