I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
