This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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