I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Randomize
