You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
